It seems like such a futile effort...everything. I'm making efforts in vain to love...to live, to forgive and forget...
But I just can't!
Jareth almost died...goddess he almost fucking died so why am I still so...I understand completly why he was gone for so long. A run in with Iron for a full fae...it's just not a good thing but still...
I remember. I remember completely what he said to me a long time ago. He told me that his doors and his arms were always open to me. ALWAYS but it does not feel as though that is the case. Those words echo about my mind and they feel empty, void of what they used to mean.
Jareth doesn't feel like family to me anymore. That connection is gone, the familial and comforting feelings that usually come with his prescence are gone. Him nearly dying, as Niffs tried to explain to me, is the reason but I'm sorry, that can't be it. It just makes no sense to me, which I know it should but it doesnt. Something still nags at me that that explanation leaves out.
I still feel abandoned, and that is not becuase of Jareths RECENT absense...I feel abandoned by my home, of all things. And I hate not knowing where I stand with people and with Jareth...thats just it. I don't know where I stand with him anymore. He said I stand with him, exactly where I stood six months ago. Six months ago, I stood feeling pissed off, saddened, abandoned, confused, infuriated, frustrated, and above all else...alone, with him. In fact I wasnt even with him...we were barely speaking beucase of issues I knew and still know NOTHING about.
So...Jareth and I seem to have lost the important connection we had, he doesnt feel the same anymore, I find that I don't have much trust in him anynmore...and I don't know whats going on there, Lucius is about a quarter fae, there was a fucking invisibily cloaked death eater in my living room and I'm now being followed by who I can only guess are Death Eaters, becuase it's a much more sinister aura then anything else, they know about Niffs, and I, which is bad, I've met Harry, Severus and Dumbledore, I'm still not sure what to do about Willy but that situation seems to be doing pretty well, and oh yeah...my bestest fae buddy may in fact be related to George Weasely...
I am...confused, infuriated, frustrated, saddened, wanting to cry, wanting to laugh, feeling highly abandoned, somewhat alone...
As I said before, I just want everything to be ok again. I want these stupid problems to be solved. Everything I do feels so bloody futile, and all my efforts lead to nothing. My questions are always answered in part, never in whole, people continue to hide things from me.
I am concluding now that I will NEVER get out of here, that I will NEVER see Jareth, or Legolas, or any of my family and old friends EVER again, that I will never hear there voices EVER again,(movies don't count here people, mainly becuase thats the actors voice I'm hearing, not the real persons...) and that I will be stuck in the thick of everything for as long as I live and as long as I love in any form, be it familial or otherwise. I will forever be dissapointed and left behind or out of the loop.
I am concluding that it will NEVER be okay again, and that nothing will ever change and that I will NEVER get the information I ask for, I will never get to know all about myself, my life, my species.
Hope has proved Futile once again...I'm begining to think I should just stop hoping all together, stop wondering, stop asking, stop beleiving...maybe then things will just sort of...dissapear.
Sometimes I wish that I knew absolutely nothing of the world beyond hummanities protective veil. Sometimes I lay there and I think that I'd like to just be a normal girl, who doesnt have to worry about stalkers, or magic, or other realms, or vampires, or finding a few old friends, or breaking bindings upon herself, etc etc. And then I think of all I'd lose if I were that normal girl.
I concluded that I don't want to be normal, but that I would like to also, KNOW about my life...which honestly, I don't. I only know what I've been told, which makes sense, and makes sense, and then suddenly something gets thrown in that doesnt, so I have to start all over again with the same cycle.
For once...can it just workout? Please! For once, just ONCE can I hear the truth, the whole truth, nothing left out, nothing hidden, no secrets, no lies, just the straight out truth. Tell me what, tell me when, tell me how, tell me why, but do not lie to me.
I want to know, I have a right to know.
This is why my trust dwindles so...-points at entire entry written- This is why...becuase no one ever tells me the whole truth, IF they tell me anything at all.
You know what...fine. I Give. Happy? I fucking Give up!
~Aviarianna~
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