(Originally posted in LJ on November 1st 2005)
This entry has nothing to do with willow's or weeping, but the title fits none the less.
Long time no see journal of mine...I'd hate to have whoever actually reads this feel that I have abandoned it. No...I have not left it but my days of entering rants and raves come few and far in between.
The gates to the garden are closed, perhaps for good but we all know well and good that the garden is unpredictable and may open up once more years after this moment in time. Let it remain a secret garden for future generations to discover, hm? Let them bask in the complex simplicity of the illusionary magesty that the Glass was, is and forever will be for none of us will forget it.
For what it's worth...it was worth every trial and tribulation, every insult and every good laugh, every betrayel and every renewal that went on in the savage garden.
We all learned a great many things about eachother, the world, and life.
Today is the first day of november, In my calander it is the first day of the new year for I am wiccan and Samhain is my new year. Yes, I trick or treated, yes I spent it with my friend, yes we stayed up late watching scary movies, and yes...I toasted the new year albeit was with orange juice instead of wine or cider. But I use what I can get my hands on. Today...is the first day of the rest of my life....
I am just as confused as I was a year ago. It is laughable...really. I've gotten answers and I've gotten cold shoulders. There is a council who supposedly finally made a decision and I KNOW something happened last night but for the life of me I can't remember what the hell happened between me turing off the television aroundn 2 am and when I woke up around 10 this morning. I know that something changed....something drasticly changed...
All we can do is wait.
Why does it seem that the shit really hit the fan in the Garden after Andrew and I became scarce there...? Honestly...tell me why, please.
And please...do not leave me again. I do not think I could take that...but hey, it's up to you is it not?
You know...my memories still hurt so much. I won't even talk to Willy about them...and I trust the man completely. I just don't think that telling him about a bloody past would do much good for the relasionship we have. I've seen his reactions to other...surprises...and this would probably scare him out of geniously insane wits. I know it still scares me that I've even got such lucid images in my minds eye.
The blood is there, still. My fingers seem to be stained with it, and I'm not joking, the palms of my hands are a bit redder than they should be. I can still smell it, I can almost feel it's warmth, blood all over my hands...
See...it's horrifying these images, these lucid waking dreams, but glorious at the same exact time and I've no idea what to make of half the time.
I scare myself.
So as I sit here now, sucking on a grape Dum Dum lollipop becuase the flu mist is making me sick and I do not feel like getting up to rattle through our cabinets looking for cough syrup that tastes like a permenant marker smells, or cough drops that are so old they have melted to there wrappers, I wonder. The most depressing and wandering of thoughts are here.
I wonder if I'll ever get to really tell them that I'm sorry...
I wonder if I'll ever get to appologize to Nikolai for the horrible mix ups cuased by that imcompetent, fatuous, slimeball of a being dwayne, for it almost cuased me to kill someone that I care about.
I wonder if I'll ever get to see Nikolas again...I loved him even if wasn't for too long a time...
I wonder if I'll ever get to see Kristopher again and ask him why he broke us up in such a way...why he betrayed his brother just so that Nikolas and I wouldnt be together anymore..
My old friends...will I ever get to see you again?
Whem are we leaving oh most respected members of the fae council?
When are Jareth and I going to resolve these issues between us...I miss him dearly...and I want to appologize for anything and everything if that will make it all better!
I just want things to be okay again...if thats even possible.
So is it? Can we make everything okay again? Please?
Don't leave me like this...-sigh-
Please...someone tell me that it's going to be okay without lying.
Much love
~Aviarianna~