I have been so neglectful concerning this journal...for that my dears and darlings I am so very sorry.  It's been a good year since my last entry here, hasn't it...feels like it, thats for certain.  And sice my last, sumurazational bravenet entry...plenty has happened, plenty has changed and far too much has stayed completely the same...

You all know what I'm talking about, I'm sure.

Going to Mirkwood like I was, and keeping the rip open to Makai was a strain I can no longer handle.  Not when I mix it with keeping up being human here, what with school, a job, issues concering family, friends and lovers.  The stress of the whole ordeal is...infuriatingly constant.   It's one of those things that hasnt changed much, if at all.  I'm still here...I'm still pining, still frustrated and confused and angry and trying to figure it all out. 

With little success I might add!

I've finished the last book for the Harry Potter series.  It took me sometime to do so...after my own brushings (and you may scoff at this if you like but I remain convinced due to my experiences) with death eaters, and mental imagery that did it's fear inducing jobs from Voldemort himself...it's more personal now.  I knew people were goingt to die in this book, I knew it and so I was hesitant to face that reality that is going to happen in about oh...1 year and about 8 months, give for take. 

I know Severus Snape.  I know Harry Potter...I know Ron and Hermione too, I've met them, I've revealed my nature to them.  Lucious Malfoy is a right git...but he's a worthy tracker, I'll give him that much.  Trust Mr. Quarter Fae to track one of his own kin. 

I don't want Severus to die...I'd put myself in front of Nagini's fangs if I had the chance, save him if I could.  I might just have to figure something out.

Ha...

Standings with Jareth have only gotten worse.  He's pretty much begun ignoring my prescence though he will not leave Niffs alone.  I know somethings up and it's about me.  Maybe he's not allowd contact with me anymore, and for what reason I know not.  I think...it has something to do with Oglum becuase last time we actually spoke with eachother I asked him simply if Oglum was still around and he said that I knew he couldnt answer that.

I know nothing. 

I've never known anything, not really.  When all you know is what someone allows you to know, then reallyt you don't know anything at all now, do you.  Especially when that allowance is controlled whole heartedly by an unmerciful group of cowardly old weilders of power who can't take the fact that they're brank of justice is being questioned. 

So I fell in love with a vampire and hel fell for me...he was not a bad person!  I got to know Nikolas and Nikolas was a great guy.  I know what bloodlust is....he handles it better than you'd think, he cares enough for his victims...

Every little thing thought to be a threat to be destroyed...My hands will never wash clean of those deeds I did, blindly consenting for so long, obeying without much question...

I'm still questing to wipe the blood from these palms of mine.  The release my mind from the guilt...oh it's so stifling sometimes to think about it.  Looking up at the moonlight and thinking I am not worthy of this silver light.  Why am I here...I should be dead a thousand times over, there are many out there who would either have me, or kill me. 

A demonic panther...and half elf...and killer, a great weapon.  Oh if Voldemort only knew...

If everyone just saw that I'm not the person they seem to think I am...I am not this quiety, helpful, shoulder to cry on, best friend wants nothing better than to see her friends succeed and be happy person.  I am not! 

I have blood on my hands!  I have a secret neutrality and like any other being my heart and soul have been damaged beyond repair. I have lived down betrayel and hatred that will forever affect me.  My judgement is a finality....as much as I claim not to do it, I judge.  I do it mentally, I don't reveal it to anyone but I do it...

The Empress, Avaria of Oglum, still dwells within this seemingly fragile, human girl.

And the Empress, has learned things about herself this past year, and in fact in all these past years of living among you.  Of living here...of dwelling here with eyes that show an intensity only centures of experience and knowledge would allow any other being to possess. 

My claim has always been that I forever wish to remain neutral.

I know I can't. 

So...the simple, hateful, spiteful truth is that whoever offers me the best deal gets me. 

I'm rather sick of picking sides, and being played off of one and then the other.  What light and dark really exist?  The line is drawn of shadow and ashes and is being swept away little by little until it dissapears for good. 

Good and Bad?  There is no good and bad.  There is only oppinion upon what may be veiwed as good and what may be veiwed as bad.

What is light?

What is dark?

It all depends upon the person and the act...

I"m sick of this...

When in the nine bloody hells is it going to finally be over?

~Aviarianna O' Lorien/Avaria: Madame Empress of the Oglum~